Mary, Mary, I'm Contrary

I wrote the following on 14 August 2014, in response to a class I was taking about finding my voice.
.. I let it sit for a while (I think I am ready to share it now) it's personal, and yet it may be anyone's story.

Mary, Mary, I’m Contrary

Apparently (based on evidence all around me)  I have been ‘calling in’ this energy of Mary.. the Madonna, Black Madonna,.. the Divine Feminine.. and Goddess... what that all means for me in my life is currently a wonder in progress... but sometimes the openings to my consciousness around it bring me insights.. like this week when I was so drawn to paint a Madonna & Child/Black Madonna.  
Seeing the image I’ve been painting this morning.. the Feminine.. holding the masculine with such tender love .. and the little hand around the tender part of a woman’s neck ... 
A tender part in myself is touched.

I got that it wasn’t Mary’s fault that my catholic upbringing did nothing to instill in me the concept of a divine Source of love, without hell and damnation at the forefront of the message, with huge doses of fear and guilt thrown in the mix, for ‘good measure’.
Right now, I don’t believe God is a Him any more than I believe God is a Her, thanks to the head fuq, that I experienced two forms of christianity to be  (catholicism and born again fundamentalism) I don’t always know exactly what to make of it all, except to say, I want none of it.  So.. my paradox.. being drawn to this Mary/Madonna energy whilst rejecting the ‘container’ ie the church/religion that she was always presented to me to belong inside of.  

* Another observation, is that my parents home was filled with statues and images of Mary.. and Jesus.. and I witnessed my own Mother place enormous amounts of faith, time and trust in her blessed virgin Mary.  The effects of alcoholism in my father kindof took over the energy in our home to a large degree growing up, so.. I did not experience a huge amount of peace from the religion or from Mary back then... as far as I can remember, looking back. Although, apparently when I was 4 I wanted to be a Nun? (and I realise, memory is a trickster and will call forth perhaps what it wants to.. and leave out bits) yes this smacks of judgement & victimhood, both true, I would add to that.. resilience, discernment and taking responsibility for my now.

I also bump up against my ‘what will people think’ button... the ‘I don’t want people to think I am a christian’.. just because I am painting the Madonna.  You see, I think/thought the two are/were inseparable. I am exploring the idea that they are not mutually exclusive. An awareness with that too... I can be as judgmental about christianity as I perceive Christians to be about the rest of the world. The I’m right you’re wrong standpoint is not the most expansive view I can take. 

My concept of Mother is a comfort and a deep soul truth … interestingly (or not surprisingly) the “Father” part has been really tainted .. and so... the idea of “Loving Father” and “God” in the same sentence - you may as well be speaking a foreign language to me. My head wants to tilt and I get a blankness in my understanding .. a void lives there.  (thinking back to imagery of a white haired old man with a stick railing against everyone with fire and brimstone)

Perhaps this is why I gravitate towards the feminine so readily.. 
I TRUST the feminine.. and deeply MISTRUST the masculine...

because of my experience ... it doesn’t mean the masculine is untrustworthy it’s (just) my perception - not ‘just’ it’s a big fuqing deal. to me.

WOMEN HAVE BEEN PERSECUTED, A LOT BY THE MASCULINE/PATRIARCHY 
OF COURSE I DON’T FUQING TRUST THAT. 
I am of the opinion that FEMININE/MATRIARCHY is not the complete answer either
.. but a balance of the two. 

I can feel I have a lot of rage around this.
more time will be spent with this.

---

* with respect, these are my views, I have no way of knowing the entirety of the beliefs of my parents, this is more about my own healing journey and less about judging them. I do have issues around religion. obviously. - Denise.

 A lovely lady came to me for a private class seeking to paint Mother Mary… here is what we created, without having an end in mind. 

with contemplation,

Denise x

Acknowledgement to one of my recent teachers Shiloh Sophie McCloud, she paints the Lady in many many forms, and it was during my time as a student of hers last year;  Color of Woman Teacher Training that I learned a way to paint her, and to teach others a way to paint their divine feminine imagery.