I can(' t) draw

For the longest time (my memory tells me age 15) I started to believe I couldn't draw.. it haunts me still.  Sometimes I even believe it. I prefer to paint rather than draw, any day. (or is that just drawing with a less precise implement…?) 

I want to speak of this because I think (and I could be wrong) that it is a very commonly held belief by many.  So last Thursday night I took myself for the first time to meet a (new to me) group of local artists and joined their warm invitation for an evening of life drawing.  I had a chat to my inner critic/s on the way there in my car… out loud… "listen guys… I am going to need your kindness and love tonight please, other times I have experienced a small hell in life drawing classes where I compared myself to the others and felt like I was constricted, a fake and absolutely hopeless at drawing.. so … you guys have the task to take notice of the details that I may be able to use at a later date.. and otherwise… leave me alone to experience this in a very positive way please". 
As it turned out.. the group were amazing, the model a delight and the experience for me held a profound moment that I did not expect.  
 

How 'right' this image does or doesn't look is not the point here… the magic.. and the moment that happened.. was that as I drew that chin.. I had a wave of emotion hit me, overwhelm me, and spill out of my eyes.. I was stopped in my self..  for me.. something in that moment/line/page/model/space/time reminded me of my sister Min… (she died in June 1997) and I was struck by the gift that was. … and that it came to me in the midst of something I have avoided, as I believed 'I couldn't draw'.
the note I wrote on the page says:
"Min's chin …
it stopped me in my self…
gasp
tears came to my eyes…
a capsule of emotion.
So unexpected a gift,
to let it go again
is painful …
but I have captured it
with my pencil."

I don't think it really matters how well we can draw… it's what the opportunity of creativity can open up for us that matters to me far more.  I might even go again. … to life drawing.  Drawing life… what a gift to even be able to give it a go.


bye for now,
love Denise. xo